Hace unas semanas,
cuando se pusieron de moda las parodias de “America First, X Country, second” un
buen amigo y gran humorista me envió la suya. Su intención era que yo intentara
encontrarle productor en alguna televisión de Miami pero guardando su más
estricto anonimato. Ya fuera por trumpismo o falta de sentido del humor (o son
uno los dos, diría el Apóstol) la propuesta no encontró quien produjera su
versión televisiva. De ahí que decida publicar ahora su texto antes que ya
nadie recuerde el sentido original de esta parodia. Espero que lo disfruten.
This is
a message from the Cuban People.
Dear Mr.
President:
You
Americans are the best, but we, Cubans, are the best too. You know
us. For decades, we have been coming to your country in troves and making you
pay for it, so if you need any pointers, let us know. We are the best
navigators in the world, anyone can go around the world in one of those
billionaire´s yachts , but try to brave the treacherous currents of the Florida
Strait in something like this… or this…. And let’s face it: when something´s
wrong in the neighborhood, who would you call? Us Cubans! No matter how
daunting the task, how unsurmountable the odds… Coca Cola in trouble? Go Cuban!
The Cubs have to overcome the Billy Goat curse? Go Cuban! Madonna needs
impregnating? Go Cuban! This is Havana, best city in the world… is you are
looking for a set for a Terminator sequel that is… with the best cars in the
world, American cars, good cars, huuuge cars, not the Japanese or the German
junk, total losers… Cars built to last forever, like our Castros … who have the
best bodyguards in the world, huuuge bodyguards, bad hombres and if you keep
insulting anything with a pulse you are going to need them… and last, but not
least, we have the best hookers in the world, no matter what Putin says, ours
are the best looking, hottest and best educated prostitutes in the world. They
are so good that there is a porn specialty known as “The Cuban” consisting on
... well, better not to get too technical here, and since you seem to be a
special needs kind of boy, take a minute, Mr. President, to consider the
possibilities: hookers with a medical degree and a scientific knowledge on body
fluids … do you get it? What a golden opportunity, what a splash! Finally, Mr.
President for you, just for you, we are willing to row the extra nautical
mile and go where no Cuban has gone before meaning… this is so hard… that we
are willing to accept that somewhere, somehow, somebody, in this case you, is
better than us at something… so, Mr. President, we totally agree that America
is first, but, could you let us… pretty please… be second…. Well, maybe not.
